You asked me once when I was going to write about us and I’d laugh and brush it off and say someday. See the thing about writing about the most important people in your life makes everything between the two so real. I was scared to put it into words because once you put it out there, you can’t take it back. You open yourself up so the world can see and you’re no longer hiding. I took pride in the hidden, in the secrets between two, oblivious to the world around them.
The first time I met you I figured we would go on a date and never talk again but you crashed into my life, wrecking all misconceptions I’ve ever had about relationships. We talked about everything under sun and you got to know me in a way no one has ever bothered to. And with every passing day I fell even harder. But then you had to leave and we made promises to continue this. A few months of long distance would be worth it and we would be together again. Doubts are there, they creep in my weakest moments when I question whether or not we can actually do this. I think you know better than anyone that we are going to have an epic love story, the kind that’s written in novels and movies. The kind you pass on to your children and their children.
Someone once told me that loving someone can’t be enough to make them stay. And it’s true; if a bird wants to fly, you can’t keep it in a cage, all you can hope for is that the bird will remember how good they had it and whether leaving is worth the chance of not having something so beautiful again. And I know how you are, M. How when you’re stressed you shut out from the world and how you think you aren’t good enough. You don’t need to be enough, “enough” is a myth. A lie we tell ourselves when we are afraid. Afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of wanting something so badly we mess up. But when you love someone, it is messy. It’s messy and consumes you whole, leaving a different person behind in your wake.
I learned a long time you can’t make a home out a person but if i could, you would be that person. You would be my home. And I’m scared too; but I believe that you are worth every single bit of it. We are worth it. Don’t give up on us before our story even really gets started because when I think about who I want next to me when my hair turns grey and I forgot my name, it’s you, M. It will always be you. Still, after everything, I will choose you. I will love you, always and forever, just like we promised all those nights.
And if you’re wondering why it took almost three months to write about you, it’s because of this. I have never met someone who has made me want to become a better person. All the things I used to be interested in, things that weren’t good for me, are no longer things I want to participate in. After the last few days, I became scared that this may be ending already and it’s not what I want. I did the only thing I could think of, write it all out. Like how I wrote you all those letters before you left because that was the only way I could think of to stay close to you while you’re 800 miles away. Just remember that it doesn’t have to be like this for long, and we can be gouda if that’s what you still want.