Because Of You

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“I’ve been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down and it’s taking me this long but I’ve finally figured you out.”

You’re the only one who has ever had the power to break my heart in pieces with just a few words. You’re the only one who can walk in the door of my life, walk out and then walk back in as if nothing has changed. Sometimes, I hate myself for giving someone who doesn’t even know me anymore so much control of my life. Because you are the one who shattered my illusion of love before any boy even got the chance to. You’re the one who helped build the tower around my heart and castle around my dreams and because of you, this Rapunzel does not know how to let down her hair. 

I give and give and you take and take and take and it makes me wonder; how many more pieces of myself can you take before I break completely. I’m just a thread of who I used to be; frayed and damaged and barely hanging on. You are a fire, burning me up as you consume my every thought. You are a pill I cannot swallow, a memory I cannot forget. You are the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn; that sometimes the ones who are always supposed to love you are the ones who can hurt you the most.

A little girl grew up too fast; watching her world fall apart around her. She spent years trying to put it back together, super gluing the fragments of her heart back together only for them to fall apart again. One step forward; three steps backward. I’m fine. I’m fine. Lies. She learned how to carry those around her; after all you were the one who taught her that she is the rock, the one to be leaned on. Your tears. Your screams. The hurtful words. She took and took the onslaught and carried you; when you were the one who was supposed to carry her. She marches on, adding more rocks along the way. You were the first and you won’t be the last. She learned at an earlier age than most, just how easy it is to hide behind a smile, a laugh, a sarcastic comment. You can’t see who she really is, hell she doesn’t even know who she is because you, you never gave her the chance to grow up and find out. No she had to become an adult overnight thanks to you.

You emptied her. You took the life she was supposed to live and destroyed it. You shattered her dreams and crushed her hopes and broke her heart. Because you are the only one who can make her cry years of tears with a sentence. You are the only one who can make her question every relationship; because if you can find a reason to leave her surely someone else can too. You drop off the face of the Earth, without a regard to those who were around you. You are a hurricane, wind whipping the souls of those who loved you around and pouring rain on their hearts.

“I might believe you if I didn’t know, if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold, and you got your share of secrets and I’m tired of being last to know and now you’re asking me to listen cause it’s worked each time before.”

You are scared and you want to run and she gets it; because when she is scared, she runs too. She runs at commitment and the L-word and boys who treat her too well because you taught her that all good things must come to an end. But the difference between her and you is she doesn’t want to run anymore. Because she learned from your mistakes. Because she saw you stumble and fall; because she saw you give up the fight; because she saw you walk out; because she watched you steal her childhood; because she saw you take and take and take and take and take until there was nothing left for you to steal. Because she held you when you cried; because she took your cruel words; because she blinked and took the hits; because she was the adult while you were the child. Because of you she will always wonder. Wonder what it’s like to accept things as they are and people for as flawed as they are. She will always wonder about you and what could have, should have and would have been. Because of your mistakes; your failures; the hardness of the youth you gave her showed her how she doesn’t want to live her life. Because of you, she is going to learn to love. Because of you, her life will have a meaning that cannot be defined. Because of you, she is a fighter, even when all the cards are stacked against her. It was all because of you.  

xoxo.

kkb.

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