This isn’t gonna be a bittersweet post about how another year has come and gone. This ain’t no sad song about the regrets we have or the mistakes we’ve made or dreams not fully realized or love lost this past year. This isn’t any goodbye letter to people we want to stay in the past or jobs we want to quit. This isn’t how you get out of the hard places your soul is sitting in.
I’ve never been a girl for New Year’s resolutions. I’ve never been one to buy in to the whole new year, new me thing. Truth be told, I always felt that any part of a life worth changing can happen in a day. Any day. Not just a day where the year is a new number. No. Scratch that. This isn’t what I want to write about.
I want my words to mean something and I feel that this is something I’ve struggled with this past year; that I have been afraid of what to write. Of just how honest to be because of who is reading my blog. I’ve been afraid of what to write and how to write and how much to write because of what my family will think or how my friends will feel if they knew that some of what I write is inspired by them. And that’s not fair. It’s not fair to the loyal readers I’ve had since I started this little blog in June 2014 or the readers I’ve picked up along the way. It’s not fair to the struggling souls who will stumble across my corner of the Internet one day and my words may be what they need to save themselves.
I’m not going to be afraid this year. I look into my drafts folder and see so many words unsaid and lives unchanged that it makes me regretful that I haven’t used my talent as well as I could have. It’s just been on the shelf, you can look but you can’t touch. And that’s the thing. I don’t want to be some pretty thing shelved for the world to see. Surface level. I want people to see through, I want my words to be graceful and held so tightly as your lifeline.
I see all these bloggers, all these writers who have changed my life with their words and I only feel as if it’s fair, as if I repay the world by becoming just as great as them. I think that that’s all we aspire for, greatness; in any aspect of your life. We all want to be great at whatever we do but sometimes we let the fear of criticism keep us from being truly vulnerable, truly honest with ourselves. We all have to start somewhere. start somewhere with the honestly and boldness and vulnerability. Two days left. Two days left of 2015 and this is my start. This is it.
I don’t speak up enough; and sure that may be hard to believe for those who actually know me because of how outgoing I am but it’s all surface level. The personal things, the things I fear, the regrets I let sting me and broken hearts, I hold dear to me. I don’t let everyone see that side of me, it’s a very select few who do. I pretend things don’t bother me because it’s easier to say it’s okay or I understand than say it hurts a little or I expected more because if you let the people who you care about know you’re disappointed in them, it opens the door for them to leave. Truth be told, it’s easier to hide behind a sarcastic comment or an eye roll than to say what’s really on your mind. If I’m going to be honest with my writing than I need to start being honest in my personal life. I can’t be vulnerable in one place and closed off in another; that’s no way to live.
It’s simple; what I want for 2016. Simply to be better. Simply honest. Simply vulnerable. Simply become the person that others look up to instead of being the girl looking up to others. Be simple in a complicated world. We complicate things. Us humans, we, we are messy. We think it’s over when we don’t get a text back right away or that if we don’t have our relationships posted on Facebook that they’re not real. That a #WCW or #MCM means more than a simple “I love you”. We put value into our shoes and hats over the value of our relationships and let our self worth be defined by likes and followers and retweets and how many matches we have on Tinder. We wear designer clothes but we don’t live a designer life; our hearts and souls are torn to rags for we put everything we are into the wrong things.
When I was younger and would try to think of New Year’s Resolutions they would revolve around something like “be pretty, get the guy and be the girl they will notice.”I never took resolutions seriously, for everyone I knew who made one broke them in a week. I was never one for New Year’s Resolutions but now that I’m older, I get it. I get it. Sure you can change in a day but a new year signifies something else, something greater; the chance to say that this year was the year you made it. The year you changed. It sounds a lot greater than “hey I woke up one day and decided enough was enough.”
And that’s the thing, we all want a great story. We think our lives need to have the movie ending with the perfect song playing as the credits roll and what I’ve realized recently is that there is greatness in the little things. I think in a world where we constantly try to be better and do better in our attempts to outshine the ones before us; it is so refreshing to be little. 2015 taught me that it’s okay to be little; to see the greatness in the small moments. Our stories are already great because they’re unique. Whatever is going on in your life, while it may be similar, is never exactly the same as anyone else who has ever existed or is existing or will exist. It’s beautiful to know that our little moments; are exactly that. Our little moments. But simply, oh simply. Just Simply.